He boasted, but can he deliver?

Dear Bunmi,

I am in my mid-30’s and a divorced mother of two. My marriage broke up because I could no longer condone my ex’s constant infidelity. I have a good job and own my flat.

The problem is my current partner. I met him last year and he boasted about his erotic conquests right from the word go. He also told me he liked a lot of love-making, even though that didn’t really impress me as my previous relationship had ended because of my ex’s constant erotic demands.

At the beginning of this new relationship, the love-making was good. But the last few months, my boyfriend seemed to be avoiding love-making. He’s still his old loving self, but the lack of love-making is getting me down.

He says it is our constant argument that turns him off. I am not worried and I can cope with the lack of too much love-making, if it weren’t for my feeling of rejection.

Lately, he’s had difficulty in maintaining an erection and when I mentioned it, he just laughed it off and said you couldn’t predict a man’s libido.

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This man of mine has his own house and a good job, but he’s too fussy about his expensive digital music system and his fancy furniture. As a result, I don’t often visit with my children. I would really like to settle down and each time I tell my boyfriend that I would be better off looking for a new partner, he always insisted that he loves me and doesn’t want to live without me. He’s also a divorcee in his 40’s. He has no children and the lack of love-making and commitment makes me feel I’m wasting my time.

Lilian,  by e-mail.

Dear Lilian,

I wish you’d seek counselling before you let go of your marriage. Infidelity is in itself seldom a reason for ending a marriage. Your current boyfriend, who boasted of his high libido, but unfortunately couldn’t really deliver, could have a problem. What you don’t know is that a lot of men do that as a disguise for their unease at having a low erotic drive. His desire is obviously low, and as yours is too, you would be compatible. Unfortunately, because you think he is a stud, you make demands for love-making that he’s unable to fulfil. That really intimidates him and for all you know, it could be the reason why his first marriage broke up.

You needn’t fear that a loving man’s loss of desire is a rejection of you. This man seems like a stranger to you. Why did his marriage break down? What are his views on !ong-term relationship and children? The man obviously loves you, but what does he want from you? Assure him that you’re not as crazy about love-making as he obviously believes.

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